I would like to start writing about the memories I've collected for the 26 years of my existence here in this world. I am afraid that someday I will forget it and nobody will tell me about it. It is more for me than for anybody. It is not for sharing nor for any of my loved ones. It is meant for me. I wanna return to that day where Lola Nitz would cook the best sinigang I've ever tasted, or how Mama Ro taught me how to write my full name, how I enjoyed going to the office of Papa Ruso, or why was I hiding under my Mom's table during her class? Those moments..that makes me happy now..that's all i have of my family. I am far away from them, some are in the province and out of the country.

i must say, all the strength that i have now are just coming from mere memories, phone conversations with them and photographs. I wish I could be with Mom as she gets older, I wish i could see Raz grow up and play with him..

I've never thought of death as much as i am doing right now. i am afraid of it...but damn i am so curious about it. what is it like in heaven? will i see Mama, Papa, Lolo, Lola or Papi?

xoxo, s.♥

Normal July Thursday

I would never want to feel that ache deep within where it would be so hard for me to breathe. I will never want to delete your number, change mine, change everything on all of my social media accounts, even my email.. I don't like that hallow feeling inside where in you know someone very important to you, someone you love other than yourself is gone, left you behind...It is something I am afraid to feel ever again. And they say you can only say that you are ready to love when you are ready to get hurt again. which i still cannot understand until now. why would you want yourself to be ready on the things, situations and people that will surely, fucking hurt you the most? why?

don't get me wrong, I am not hurt now...and i hope i will never be again..because i have been there. it was dark, cold, sad...and all the things that made you secure, your whole being was just cut, burned and broken into ten million pieces...i am not there. and i will never, ever want to be there...i will run away from that place...

yes, people move on and they will eventually move forward, begin a life, try something new, meet other people but it will not take a second, a week, a month.. or maybe years for someone to heal for real. it will really take, just one perfect person to make you forget all the hurt that you felt...and you are told that you are ready to fall in love, to love again if you are ready to be hurt? fuck that logic. maybe someday i will understand that..for now I have to run away from that place.

xoxo,
s.♥